Dear GardenPerfect Magazine…….Thank you for your latest issue of GardenPerfect. I’ve added it to the top of the Must Read pile in my bathroom. While I have great appreciation for the detailed visual trips through all the perfect gardens you’ve featured, I have a few questions for your editors.
Where are all the gardens that have been designed by busy, working people with plants purchased from the sale table at local big box stores, humble garden centers, and native plant sales? How do the gardeners you’ve featured deal with deer and other garden destroying mammals, fire ants, snakes, plant devouring bugs, and diseases? In the winter, have they ever had their trees watered with boiling water by someone who thought they were too cold? I know this might surprise you, but trees don’t like boiling water.
Have they ever finished planting a garden bed by porch light because they ran out of sunshine? I recently had that problem, too. I think I may have flashed a few of my night jogging neighbors while I was at it since my shirt was too big. I noticed all the gardeners you featured wore color coordinated gardening gear. Is there a store for that? Because all of my gardening clothes are a bit stained and most have holes in them. I like to think of them as well ventilated.
As a dog owner, I really need to ask about how they maintain such perfect gardens while also owning pets. I noticed none of their beds look like they’ve been trampled by a herd of pygmy elephants or a water buffalo with a severe case of gastritis. One of my dogs recently went on a bunny hunt through a patch of coneflowers. Since Lucy caught, ate, and then pooped out the bunny in what can only be described as an atomic ass explosion, she’s left the coneflowers alone and they are slightly less prostrate than they were last week. I apologize for my language, but when a dog who normally just eats dog food eats a bunny’s squishy parts, things get weird.
I recently had several branches torn off my tomato plant. You might think this is no big deal, but it’s my only tomato plant so I’m a bit possessive. Worried it had been the victim of a psychotic vampire squirrel, I consulted a friend who advised me the creature had been much larger, but to fill the feeders, just to stay safe. A tomato hating black bear perhaps? A giant radioactive space weasel? Have the gardeners in your magazine ever had their plants mauled by a clumsy “I’m so sorry, Mom” teenager? How do their plants recover so quickly? My tomato was only safe for a few hours before being smashed again in a storm. How do the gardeners you’ve featured deal with drought, fire, floods, 80 mph winds, and afternoon temps hotter than hell?
My last question concerns the garden art you featured in your last story. I was truly impressed by the mosaic fountain created from antique tiles excavated from the ruins of Pompeii, but that doesn’t seem achievable for the average person. Today I threw some flat glass marbles into the bottom of one of my birdbaths. I know it doesn’t have the panache or elegance of the featured mosaic, but it was about a billion dollars cheaper. Just a thought.
Tammy from Casa Mariposa