One of the great advantages of winter is its ability to strip your garden bare, leaving it shivering in its underwear while you dream of summer color and leafy coverage. I do not have a winter garden or much winter interest, aside from a trumpet vine and deutzia that resemble Medusa, but I’m okay with that. My bare bottomed garden gives me a chance to see it as it really is and to make summer plans that work with the bones of my yard.
But that’s when things get weird. What kind of bones does my garden have? Does my fence qualify my garden’s bones as chicken bones, or am I a woolly mammoth, considering the small swath of native trees left by the builder? Holy Toledo! What if I don’t have any bones at all? If my garden were an animal, would it be a squid? Hmm… In the spirit of ridiculousness and to hopefully start your new year with a smile, I’ve decided to end the confusion once and for all by creating a quiz to help you determine the boniness of your garden.
How Bony is Your Garden?
If your garden has:-
0 – 5 points Squid
Don’t fret about being a squid. You are delicious fried and served with marinara. It also means you have a clean canvas with which to dream and design. Anything is possible!
10 – 25 points Hamster
You’re on the right track and with your nocturnal work habits you never have to worry about sunburn. Close your eyes and imagine your garden as you wish it to be. Wait! Take out the winning lottery ticket and try again. Get ready to get dirty and you just might make your wishes come true.
30 – 45 points Duck-billed Platypus
Not only are you one of the coolest mammals on Earth, but if you’re male you have a venomous spur on your back leg that can be handy for securing discounts at your local nursery. Your garden has some excellent beginning boniness. Don’t stop now!
50 – 65 points St. Bernard
Not only do you get to slobber and drool while gardening, but you bring your own drinks and never have to tromp inside in the midst of a project due to dehydration. Clever! Your garden has some fabulous features that go a long way to accentuate your plantings. But we already knew that, considering you were clever enough to bring drinks.
70 – 85 points Pygmy Elephant
Your excellent swimming ability and incredible strength allows you to garden in all kinds of wet weather. You’ve given serious thought to your garden design and understand how it is related to your garden as a whole. Either that or you got lucky and bought a house with an awesome garden. Just don’t tell anyone. I’d stick with Option A.
90 – 100 points Bigfoot
You might be elusive but your garden design isn’t. If you’ve noticed your neighbors leaning over the fence/stone wall/hedge it’s because they’re taking photos and emailing them out to family and friends, pretending your garden is theirs. They’re jealous and so am I.
110 – 115 points T-Rex
You are the Jedi Master of gardening. Your garden has it all, possibly including a ticket booth and long lines. However, if I hide behind the historically accurate, architecturally reproduced garden shed, I might be able to take some cuttings and pictures to help me when I get home. It’s cheaper than the gift shop.
I’m a pygmy elephant! I was shocked by this. Here’s how I qualified according to the ultrascientific test:
Three crepe myrtles, a huge river birch, a ‘Yoshino’ cherry, several ash trees, and an oak, cedar, and hornbeam left by the builder form the spine of my back garden.
A stone ring circles the zelkova tree in the front and protects it from lawn mower damage. The remaining rock roses are coming out next spring since the area has become too shady and are being replaced with variegated ajuga.